Program in Java? You must be joking!
The Y combinator design pattern in Java is easily understood and can be used and maintained by unskilled, entry-level programmers.
Cuius rei demonstrationem mirabilem sane detexi. Hanc marginis exiguitas non caperet.
You know, this kind of joke seems to rile Java apologists to no end. They come out of the woodwork with their web browsers set to flame
. Absolutely no criticism of the language that powers everything from the web to space exploration (although there is never any talk of toasters) is allowed.
And do not
criticize the culture in any way whatsoever. Although it’s perfectly ok to boast that Java is designed to appeal to the widest possible diversity of skill levels, you may not
suggest that Java programmers are stupid. Or else.
I am trying not to tell anyone what to do, but I have an observation. Have you ever heard a politically incorrect but extremely funny joke about a member of a particular culture? You know you have. And furthermore, the joke was probably told by a member of the group victimized in the joke.
The unwritten rule is, if you’re a member, jokes are fair game
. I was once with some, ahh, members of a religion that directly predated and evolved into Christianity. They were telling some jokes about their culture and religion. I had heard a few such jokes, but I wisely refrained from telling any. It’s not allowed. That’s the rule: outsiders may not joke.
So back to Java. Guess what? I’m an insider
. I write Java code every working day. If you care about hollow appeals to authority, I once wrote a Scheme implementation in Java. I was also the team lead for JProbe Threadalyzer, a tool that analyses multi-threaded Java behaviour. And the development manager for JProbe Server-Side Suite (the aforementioned thread analyser, plus profiling, code coverage, and memory debugging tools). And various J2EE implementations with various degrees of Enterprisy-ness.
None of that makes me an expert. Nor does it make me right when I criticize or joke. But it does give me a certain smug right to joke
. And don’t we all need a laugh from time to time, even if we’re laughing at ourselves? Perhaps especially
if we're laughing at ourselves?
I think it’s a sign of good health to be able to laugh at ourselves and criticize our foibles. For all of the talk of Java as a “mature platform,” don’t you agree that “not taking criticism well” is a little, well, immature
So since it’s Friday:
A Muslim, a Vegetarian, and a Java Programmer are traveling by foot, and they stop at a farm house to sleep for the night. The farmer is impressed at the obvious sophistication of the Java Programmer’s tales of Enterprise wonder, and he invites her into the house. The Muslim he sends to the hayloft, and the Vegetarian can sleep in the barn.
Well, the farmer is just pouring a night-cap and listening to the Java Programmer describe the time she knocked together a farm workflow application in less than a million lines of XML configuration code when there’s a knocking on the door.
He opens the door and the Vegetarian is standing there. “I’m sorry,” the Vegetarian apologizes, “But you slaughter animals in the barn, and eating meat is offensive to my beliefs. I cannot sleep in the barn.” The farmer thinks this is bunkum, but he was raised to be courteous to his guests, so he asks the Vegetarian to swap places with the Muslim.
The farmer knocks back his drink and turns down the lights. He can hear the Java Programmer setting up a sleeping bag factory to generate down-filled singleton sleeping containers in the living room. His wife is reading in bed, and he’s looking forward to catching up on the Wall Street Journal.
Well, he is just about to climb into bed when there’s a banging on the door. He opens the door, and the Muslim is standing there. “I’m sorry,” the Muslim apologizes, “But you keep pigs in the barn, and pigs are profane according to my beliefs. I cannot sleep in the barn.”
Muttering, the farmer rouses the Java Programmer off the couch and asks her to switch with the Muslim. He climbs into bed and has just started to read an interesting article on hedging commodity futures with convex derivatives when there’s a thunderous hammering at the door. His wife tells him to stay put and she goes to answer it. The farmer hears some excited talking, and a moment later his wife is at the bedroom door.
“Honey,” she says, “it’s the pigs.”
Labels: java, popular